I've got the H.O.T.S.!!


Jennifer and I have enjoyed church a little more than usual the last two weekends. Last week the Katinas just happened to be passing through on their way to another engagement and they asked Pastor Clay if they could be a part of our worship services. Pastor Clay, of course, let them do the entire music ministry in all four services. For some reason I have never actually listened to their music before. But, after hearing them and just a little of their "family history" testimony last week, they are now at the top of my list for CD purchases the next time I place an order with Columbia House!

Then this week Pastor Bob came to First Corinthians chapter 13. We have been doing a verse by verse expository study of the book for quite some time now, but the message today from verses 1-6 of the thirteenth chapter resonated deeply, both with Jennifer and with me! There is a whole lot there, in those particular verses, to remind us of the "nuts-and-bolts" that actually hold together a marriage such as is defined in Ephesians chapter 5. Add to that the fact that today was Communion Sunday at CCFTL and you have the makings of a pretty spectacular day already! :D

After service we moseyed on over to the Wal-Mart so that I could pick up my brand new pair of spectacles! Oh... BTW... have I mentioned, yet, that I am switching from contact lenses - which I have worn since the fifth grade - to glasses? NO? Well, I guess maybe I just forgot that little item in all of the excitement around here lately!

Anyway, like I said, we left church and headed directly for the Wal-Mart. Once there, I sent Jennifer and Yaleana on to do a little grocery shopping while I made my way over to the optometrists' station. I handed the attendant my receipt and he stepped around the corner to see if my glasses had arrived. And, sure enough, they were there! So this is where the fun began...

He sent me into a little private room with a lavatory so that I could wash my hands and take out my contact lenses before I tried on my new glasses. They had one of those little rolling stools in there too. You know... the kind with no back on them. So anyway, I washed my hands and sat down on the little stool and... charged with the excitement of the moment... began pushing myself from side to side down the little counter as I scooted over to here for the lense case, then over to here for the solution to prepare the case to receive the contact lenses, and then finally over to there to grab a paper towel and carefully wipe off the solution and dry my hands before reaching out to open the case and take out "The Spectacles"!

So there I was, all pumped and ready for the grand experience. Now all I could think about was how much Jennifer had liked the looks of these glasses on me two weeks ago when we went for the exam and picked them out. Of course, at that time I had had my contact lenses on and the frames we chose had regular glass lenses in them. They were... well... sexy! Now, however, I could not see what they looked like anymore (because I was sitting there blind without the aforementioned contact lenses), but they did feel a little heavier than I remembered them. Oh well, I had to expect that, didn't I? After all, I AM legally blind without corrective lenses!

So there I was, sitting on the little rolling stool, all pumped up about the "new look" that was about to be mine. I squinted enough to be sure that I had the pair turned right side up, and then for the first time in my life I placed "MY GLASSES" on the bridge of my nose and wiggled them around to be sure they were adjusted "just so". Then I opened my eyes...... AND I PROMPTLY SWOONED AND ALMOST FELL OFF THE LITTLE ROLLING STOOL!!!!

Now you have to remember that I said I have never actually worn glasses before! And you also have to remember that I said I am legally blind without corrective lenses. And when I tell you that these things are powerful, I MEAN THEY ARE POWERFUL!! As a matter of fact, Hubble Space Telescope comes immediately to mind! When I put these things on my face and opened my eyes, it felt like both of them were trying immediately to go in different directions at breakneck speed! I thought I was having a Hatfields and McCoys feud right there in my head!

You remember that I said I was sitting on the little rolling stool with no back on it? Well now, the first thing that I did... you know, sort of in a panic just to see if I could catch up with at least ONE of my errant eyes... was to quickly spin around about 90 degrees on that little stool. Big mistake! Now I found out that when you move your head from side to side with the Hubble Space Telescope situated on the bridge of your nose, things move around... A LOT! The walls bent and curved, the floor formed a bowl in front of me, my hands, arms and legs got really SMALL looking, and absolutely nothing seemed right in the world anymore! I quickly found myself falling back against the counter, grasping the edge of it with my left hand just to keep from falling off that silly little stool onto the floor!! Only a few seconds before, this little stool had been such a blast to scoot around on... but now it seemed as if it was trying to KILL me!!

The first thing I thought was, "I CAN'T DRIVE LIKE THIS! I'LL GET A D.U.I.N.G. FOR SURE!!!" Now for those who are still trying to figure that one out... that stands for Driving Under the Influence of New Glasses! I am NOT kidding you one whit now... this was worse than anything I ever remembered experiencing in my WORST drunk over all the years of my stupidity! And furthermore, in this suddenly whacked out condition, I had already forgotten that I still had contact lenses sitting right there in front of me, and that I could put them back on if I really had to. No, for me it was a sudden panic attack as I wondered how in the world I was going to get my family back to our home just about one mile away and around only one turn in the road?!

And then it hit me... you actually have to stand up and walk out of here... alone. AND you have to find your wife and child BEFORE you even have to worry about GOING home! Now if there is anything that life has taught me over the years, it is to relax, take a deep breath, and then just try to slowly adjust to whatever has just scared the peediddly out of you. And so that is precisely what I did.

After sitting still for just a couple of minutes (which of course seemed like about a half hour to me) I slowly grasped the edge of the counter and hoisted myself up from the little, suddenly unstable, rolling stool. As I stood there for a few seconds, looking for all the world like a wounded man adrift on morphine, I gathered up my things and took a tentative step toward the door. I just imagine that when I stepped out of that little room I probably looked a little ashen faced. And truth be told, I actually WAS a little nauseous. But being the man that I am, I boldly shuffled flat-footed around the corner and out into the public domain.

And then... panic attack number two. "OMIGOSH!!! WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE?!? I KNOW THESE THINGS USED TO BE SEXY... BUT WHATEVER THEY DID TO THEM MUST SURELY HAVE RUINED ALL OF THAT!!!" And so I continued my bold shuffling, with all my possessions pressed tightly to my chest just so that I would have SOMETHING to hold on to, and I found a lighted mirror between all of the sample frames on the wall. Well by the time I got past all of those writhing frames that could not hold still to save their skinny little sexy lenses, I only managed a glance at myself before being satisfied that, at the very least, no one else would probably notice that I had just installed "Hubble On The Schnozz" (a.k.a. - "H.O.T.S.") back there in the back room.

It was just about that time that the attendant came back into the area where I was now clinging to the floor with all the strength my toes could exude through the soles of my shoes. He asked me how they fit, to which I replied, in all truth and honesty, "FINE, fine..." I still do not know if he even realized that it was NOT the powerful lenses in my new glasses that gave me that special "deer in the headlights" look. But, regardless, he led me back to the counter where I sat down on a chair that actually DID have a back on it, and which I securely pressed myself back into in hopes that the world might somehow regain some semblance of the stability that I had once known it to have.

Well this guy must be pretty good at what he does, because after about 10 minutes of explaining "progressives" and then also making some little adjustments to the frames, things indeed began to settle down just a little bit for me. Finally he was finished with me, and like a proud papa he encouraged me with the comforting words, "call me if you ever need anything else", and then he pushed me out into the world on my own! And, much to my surprise, I was already beginning to adjust to my new H.O.T.S. just enough to be able to at least fool everyone else into thinking that I was actually that same purposeful man who had strode confidently INTO the store not too many minutes before.

And so it was that I found myself ambling around the checkout counters and heading past the produce section when I noticed my beloved and our beautiful daughter already waiting in one of the checkout lines. I headed toward them and was almost right upon them before Jennifer turned around and saw me. I put on my most radiant smile, and being careful not to overrun the distance between us, I stopped just short of a collision... and it was then that I noticed it...

Hmmm, I thought... what could be wrong with HER?

MY WIFE LOOKS JUST LIKE A DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS TOO!!!

If I live to be a hundred and fifty, I will NEVER forget that look on her face! It seems that Jennifer had just assumed that MY glasses - even with prescription lenses - were somehow going to look just like they did with the pretty little glass filler lenses that were in the frames when I tried them on. Well, now, technology has come a LONG way in the last fifty years or so... but still, you just ARE NOT EVER going to get "Hubble On The Schnozz" to look quite as thin and sweet and sexy as those pretty little things they used to SELL us the frames in the first place.

Oh well, like I said before, we had already experienced the makings of a pretty spectacular day. And after a little time for getting used to them, Jennifer has even decided that the H.O.T.S. don't look nearly as bad on me as she had let on at first glance. Meanwhile, my eyes have decided to get together and play nice again, and I am once again completely ambulatory... even without assistance! So, overall, I'd say that this has been quite a fine day indeed!

At some point after all of this excitement, I just had to sit down and write all of this out before it gets away from me. You know, life is a series of changes... some for the good, and some seemingly not. But no matter what comes our way, at least today I was reminded through Communion that God is still God, and through experience I was reminded that He also has a sense of humour. And then by way of realization, after everything else was said and done, I remembered that every once in awhile we all need to be able to laugh at ourselves just a little bit. Because when we take ourselves so seriously that an unexpected experience can derail us or an honest but unintended "deer in the headlights" look from our wife or a close friend could ruin our whole day, it is entirely possible that we just might be looking in the wrong places to find our own worth.

~ ~ ~

Now know I that the LORD saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the LORD our God. They are brought down and fallen: but we are risen, and stand upright. Save, LORD: let the king hear us when we call.
--Psalms 20:6-9

~ ~ ~

And by His grace, even with my new H.O.T.S. installed, I know that I too can still stand upright!

Happy Sunday, everyone!

God bless you all,
Rod

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